I should be exercising right now

I should be running right now, or at least on my way to the gym to run but instead I'm sitting on my sofa, trolling the Internet, and listening to Weese purr up a storm. If you haven't met her, she's big with the purring, and currently very happy that I am on the sofa rather than the treadmill.

If not running, then I should be writing. I have tons of grad work to do, and a few more personal projects to keep me going when the grad work feels flat. But I'm not writing either. Well, technically I am writing, as you might point out to me, but it isn't really the writing I should be doing and honestly, I write on my blog so rarely that sometimes I wonder why I have one.

What else should I be doing? Hmmm. I have that incredibly ambitious knitting project for my sister's wedding that is at this very moment sitting in the corner mocking me with its complexities. I have a spring cardigan that I haven't bothered to sew up and finish, don't ask me why. I have dinner to make and laundry to fold and people to contact and although all of these things are important to me and need to be done, (well maybe the laundry isn't so important and I'm not feeling particularly hungry, but you get my point) I am not doing them. Instead I am pondering and stewing and generally sitting inside my own head marinating in thoughts and wishing I could think of some way of acting with real purpose. Currently the courses of action I can envision feel reactionary and panicked, acceptable only when there is no time to consider. I have time to consider, at least for now, but this waiting has become tiresome. I don't do well when the waiting becomes tiresome. Are you surprised that patience is not one of my virtues, or only that I recognize this in myself?

Of late, I have had conversations with friends that leave me wondering, curious about my motives, my actions and even my emotions. I am balancing on the edge of inappropriate revelations, wishing in some way that I could find a way to remake myself, but into what? Now that is the trick.

What do I see in myself and what do others see in me? How do you go about answering those questions? How do you go about even asking those questions?